| Subject: MY BEAUTIFUL BOYFRIEND
It will be 3 months in two days since my boyfriend Barry who is 23, was taken from me. It was on a motorbike. He was on his way to see me with his best pal who had a few injuries but has now recovered, but Bal died instantly.
I can't believe it's been 3 months it feels like time is going and going but nothing is happening. I was with Barry just over a year and I still can't believe whats happenned or work it out in my head. We had such a perfect relationship. We took things slow from the beginning and then fell in love almost without realising it. I'd always said I didn't want serious relationships or marriage or kids my whole life till I met Bal. I wanted everything with him and wanted to give him everything. For the first time in my life I was picturing my wedding and our home and our children... He got me caught up. We were both eachothers first serious relationship and it was like when we met we wondered how we ever managed apart.
Now he's been gone for almost three months. It's getting worse and worse as times going passed. Everything happened too quickly. The funeral was 10 days later which I can't remember. Just bits and pieces. I did do a speech which I wasn't planning on doing although I cried like a baby the whole way through. I came back to work because its the only thing thats keeping me busy and my mind occupied.. just about. I have to force myself to get up in the morning, but I know Bal would hate the thought of me laying in bed all day and not going to work and losing my job. He always used to be proud that I had a good job. But at work its so hard. My patience is near to zero, I get easily frustrated and my temper is so bad. I feel like I'm going crazy in my head and I'm gonna end up seriously switching on the next perason who irritates me a bit too much soon and really hurting them beacuse of all the anger inside me.
Then when I'm at home by myself all I want to do is cry and cry and cry and cry. And once I start it's really hard to stop. And I think too much. I could sit there thinking about things for hours on end reading into everything and I don't know whether I wanna go to sleep or smash my head off the wall.
My friends were great. I have lots of friends... A few who I can speak to about certain things, others about other things and some I feel like I can't talk to at all anymore. Sometimes I make myself not say anything or try and really pretend to be happy. I just feel like I'm depressing people and getting them down and I don't want to withdraw myself from my friends because I need them.
Everything is just so different now.
Everything is. I don't want to be alone and I don't want to live in a world where Barry isn't with me.
He understood me, I understood him. But he was taken from me by means where I could do nothing to stop it. This is hsrd to... Missing the phone calls before going to sleep or on my lunch break or when I was out to check up on me!!
I just feel so bitter and angry I just want him back. And the hardest realisation of all is understanding the fact that that just isn't going to happen.
Life seems to have no purpose for me now. It feels like I'm living to live and thats it. I just cant believe he's gone.
R.I.P
Barry
03/04/1983 - 10/10/2006
Love you babe, always always
xxxx |
